Final thoughts
by Can't Decode Me
Summary: Bella lives with her grandma in forks. Charlie died a year ago. Bella has to write about her final moments and what would she do. Sadly she has to read it out loud and the Cullens hear. Will they ever understand her sadness? Before ExB. COMPLETED
1. Chapter 1

I tap my pencil on my desk. I look around at the other students. They all have their heads down writing.

What would I do if I knew I was dying soon? Would I wait? Would I pray? Would I say my love?

I slump in my chair. What is something I would do? Where would I be? What time in my life?

Then an idea came to me. I thought it was good enough. I bent over my desk and began to write.

A few moments later my teacher says to stop. She walks past me to the front of the class. 'Who wants to read theirs?' she asks.

I sigh and turn my paper over. She notices. She tells me to come up and read mine. I can't say no.

I walk to the front. I take a deep breath I look at the paper and nowhere else.

'Where would I be? How old would I be? I don't know. Only God knows. If I imagine a scenario I would be young and in love. Engaged possibly. I would be on a train.

'The train was going to crash into another one and we had lost all contact. We were heading to our death. The captain tells us we have three minutes.

'I get out paper and a pen. I would write a letter.'

I turn my paper over to read the other side. I toke a deep breath and continue.

'My Love; I would write.

'I love you with all my heart. I do not want you to grieve but to live. As I go to my death, I think of you and you alone; it would contain.

'I would put the paper in a plastic baggy or in an envelope, in hope that someone would find it and give it to my love.

'As I could hear the other train coming toward us, I hear people cry. I think of the end of my letter…

'I signed it: I love you. I close my eyes and feel tears. I picture their face as we crash into the other train.

'My surprise? I feel no pain. I feel the warm arms of my love, telling me they'll see me soon.'

I finish reading and I look up. My teacher and the other girls are crying. The guys are in shock. I see the Cullens in the back row looking in shock at me. I am glad it was only Rosalie and Alice. As I head to my seat, I think of my dad. And the letter he wrote that night.

'I'll love you for always. My baby, sleep tight.

-Daddy.'

I shed a tear and I look at my paper.

'I love you Daddy,' I whisper.


	2. Chapter 2

**A new chapter? Ok... it's been a long time... so i hope you enjoy this... thank you so much for all the support with this. i don't own twilight or the note, but the idea is mine. **

The bell rings. I sprint out of class with tears in my eyes. I can barely see as I rush into the bathroom. To my displeasure someone is already in here with me. Lauren Mallory. From the moment she set eyes on me I was put on the enemies list, but I have no idea why.

'Go cry," she sneers as I lock the ugly tan-coloured stall door. "Big baby."

I grab my sides as I silently sob. I struggle to breathe as I hold back my screams. My tears cascade like waterfalls down my face. I can't seem to pull it back together. I curl up on the toilet seat, feet and all, and just pray. Pray for the pain to go away and pray for some release.

_Daddy why? Why are you gone?_ my heart cries.

My chest aches from the sobs, from gasping for air, from losing the people I love.

The back of my throat burns from my silent screams. _Mommy, Daddy_. Back and forth. It's all I can think of. They share their grave. Now I'm the only one left.

Even as the tears stop falling my body still shakes. My eyes, puffy and red, sting as I blink. My arms wrap tightly around my stomach as if the only thing holding me together and I start to believe they are.

I go to my monster of a truck and lock the doors. At least here in the parking lot no one can hear me scream.

_"He left this for you," Scott says, handing me the blood stained paper._

_I feel over the indents of each letter of each word. _

_I'll love you for always my baby. Sleep tight. _

_-Daddy_

_I collapse. The muddy ground stains my jeans and I scream. I sob. I can't breathe, I hiccup over each gasp for air. _He's gone. He's really not coming back. Because…. because he's dead, _I think to myself. I grab my sides, leaning forward sending my head to the ground. I scream again, and again and again. No matter what I do the pain just gets worse as it sinks in. _

_"They beat him," Scott continues, but I shake my head. _

_"Stop," I beg. _

_"He fought back though, he was strong." _

_Was, echoes through my head. Was, was, was. Not is, was. _

_"STOP!" I scream as he crouches down to pull me close. _

_"He died protecting us, protecting you. He suffered, but he's in a better place now."_

_"Stop, stop, stop," I chant as he continues to talk. _

_"He's with Renee, your mom. They are together once again. He feels no more pain."_

_"Shut up!" I scream until my throat burns. _

_I can't hear this I can't hear this I cant hear this. _

_My fists hit his chest and he makes me look him in the eye. _

_"Isabella Marie Swan, you need to know. You need to hear it. Do you understand me?"_

_Only now do I see him falling apart. He is fighting for his composure. _

_"They're gone," I cry. "Both of them."_

**I hope that was okay. Thank you so much for reading, it means a lot. Review? please? **


	3. Chapter 3

**Here's the next chapter I hope you enjoy I am not SM.**

_Tap, tap, tap_ makes me jump and stare through my puffy eyes to my window. There stands Edward Cullen with a concerned look on his face. His face almost pleading as I wipe my eyes and reach for the window, rolling it down.

"Bella," his honey voice breathes. The soft tone makes me want to cry again, it makes my insides warm at the gentle caring tone, but it makes me start to drown.

"What?" I sniff, my hands shaking as I place them on the steering wheel. "I need to go home, to my grandma's house."

"Let me drive you home," he starts. "You don't seem like you're in any good condition to drive home."

This causes me to glare at him, before shaking my head. "I am in a good enough condition to drive thank you very much."

I have to admit I was offended and slightly confused to his sudden change in personality. One moment he stares me down in class as if he wants to kill me, sometimes I wish he did, and ever since he got back he's been trying to be nice to me. He sighs looking down at the ground.

"Bella, I apologize. I didn't mean to offend you. I'm just concerned about you."

I nod slowly, biting my lip. "You don't need to be concerned," I murmur.

"I heard about what happened in English," he begins. That's all he needs to say as my thoughts wander back to class.

_As I go to my death, I think of you and you alone._

I sniff and start to lose control. I slide over to the passenger side, giving up on my protest against his offer. He gets in silently and starts the monster. It rumbles to life and I hope it makes it home alive, how embarrassing having someone so rich drive something like this. I leave my hoodie sleeve covered hands over my eyes as I lose it _again_. Soon I feel Edward's hand on my shoulder, his thumb rubbing comforting circles delicately. So delicately that I can barely feel it.

In what feels like seconds, Edward pulls up to my grandmother's house and silently gets out, before getting my door. My hands leave my face and I look at him. His brow is pulled together with his concern and I feel so embarrassed.

"I'm so sorry," I sniff.

He shakes his head slowly, while helping me out. "Don't be."

_"Daddy, I'm so sorry. I just wanted to see her picture again," I cry, looking down at the broken frame. _

_Dad shakes his head slowly, falling to the floor with me with tears in his eyes. "Don't be sorry Baby, it's okay."_

_We sit and cry on the floor surrounded by the broken glass of picture frame containing a beautiful picture of my mother when they were in high school together. It is one of the happiest pictures of her I have ever seen when she was younger. Daddy told me she didn't grow up happy and he had to cheer her up. Mom said that he was the light when everything was dark. _

I pull away from him as I start to sob. I run into the house and slam the door. Why did this happen? Why now? I crumble against the door and scream, not afraid that anyone can hear me now. I just want this out. I just want to cry and scream until all the pain and hurt is gone, but I know it never will be. It will always be silently waiting for it's next attack.

**Thank you for reading. Please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here you go I hope you enjoy. I am not SM.**

_One month later_

Jessica and Angela decide it will be a good idea to go shopping to lighten the mood since I've been down lately. They want to buy dresses for Homecoming, so they can look perfect for the dates they don't even have yet. Following them to dress store in Port Angeles I can't get my mind off two things: the cold darkness that consumes my thoughts, and Edward Cullen.

Ever since he drove me home that day, we have actually been talking with him going bi polar on me. He is still very uptight around me, and I can't figure out why. Sitting in the dressing room while Jessica and Angela try on dress, I force myself to stay positive and not let my memories get ahead of myself. I didn't want to think about how I wish my mom could've been here to help me pick out a dress and shoes and jewelry. I didn't want to think about how my dad would've been here to approve of my dress and complain jokingly about the price, or how he would've been been shaking my date's hand at the door telling him my curfew.

Those are all wishful thoughts that I know won't happen because they aren't here. They are dead. Together in heaven, while I'm stuck here in my personal hell. I stare down at the crumpled paper in my hand and contemplate on going alone. It will take my mind off of this situation, and that would be a plus, but how could I just leave my friends when they are having so much fun? Internally conflicted, I bite my lip as Angela comes out aglow in a beautiful lilac gown that hugs her curves in the right places creating an hourglass figure.

"Bella, what's wrong?" she asks concerned.

I shake my head and force a small smile. "Nothing, you look great."

"Are you sure?" Jessica asks as she emerges from her room in an aqua blue strapless dress that is skin tight, which I guess would please Mike.

"I actually I want to go to a book store here I found. Can I meet you guess for dinner in like an hour or so?"

They share a worried glance before agreeing to meet at Bella Italia in an hour. My beaten up black Converse hit the cracked sidewalk in almost the same beat to the music playing on my iPod. _Step on a crack, you break your mother's back,_ I think scornfully. I remember back to a time when I really believed it and tried my hardest to avoid them because 'mommy was already in enough pain'. I glare down at my feet, hating myself for not being able to think of anything else except my depressing life. Then a thought comes to mind, I have no idea where I am going. I have no clue where this bookstore really is. I step inside a small cafe that sort of smelled like peppermint lattes and ask for direction.

I fumble around with the broken directions I received and somehow manage to find the bookstore. It's small and quaint as I walk in, each self worn and full of books, while the old man behind the counter who's name tag reads 'Greg' smiles cheerfully at me like I'm his only customer of the day.

"Can I help you?" his voices quivers as he talks.

I shake my head with a polite smile, "No, thanks."

I look around just being thankful I am in a place where it could transport me to another with just simple words that flow off the page. It is a place where I can come to forget everything that's going on for just a few minutes of pretending to be someone else and be lost in their world instead of mine. I grab a copy of _A Midsummer Night's Dream_ and decide that'll keep my busy for a while before needing to come back pr find a new bookstore.

After I pay, 'Greg' smiles and hands me my book. "Be safe now."

I actually have a real smile on my face as I exit the store into the night. I can't believe how dark it's gotten as I start to head in what I think is the right direction.

_If you ever feel lost just go the nearest store and ask for directions, _Dad told me when I was younger. I only wish he were here to answer this question: _Where do I go when i feel lost in life?_

**Thank you for reading, it means a lot. Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Don't you hate it when you are so tired but no matter what you can't sleep? Anyway here it is, I am definitely going to sleep now. **

**Here you go I hope you enjoy. I am not SM.**

I cross my arms over my chest as I walk in the now empty streets of Port Angeles. I didn't realize how late it got when I was searching for the bookstore. I keep my focus straight in front of me hoping to find something that looks familiar, but no matter how many blocks I pass nothing looks close to what I saw when I walked to the book store. I'm getting cold as the wind picks up slightly from what it was earlier. In my worn thin T I rub my arms to warm them up with the friction from my hands.

I come to a four way stop. I'm hoping I'm only a street off so I tun left, but as soon as I'm down the street I realize I've made a bad decision. What once was a shopping strip turned into warehouses that almost seemed abandoned in the dead of night. My heart begins to race in my chest with fear, I want to turn around but there is something driving me forward. Something unexplainable.

_"Daddy, where are we going?" I ask as Dad pulls me by the hand down a back street. _

_"We, Kiddo, are going to get mommy something really special," he smiles at me. _

_I look around and we are somewhere with a bunch of blank buildings. I'm scared for reasons I don't know of, but I just know my whole being is telling me to be. I wrap myself around his arm, getting into the comfort of his safe arms. Then suddenly we emerge on a street with a bunch of beautiful stalls, a farmer's market. A warm smile lights up my face as Dad smiles and pulls me along, letting me bask in all the colors and unique sights. _

_Soon we find the prettiest piece of jewelry I have ever seen! Mommy has always liked funky jewelry and the necklace we picked out was perfect! It is gonna make her feel so much better and look even prettier! _

_"It's beautiful!" I exclaim._

"Hey beautiful," a deep voice brings me out of my memory.

I fight back a squeal and clamp my mouth shut picking up the pace trying to get away. I turn down the next street as bottles clang behind me. Then I realize I've made it worse as I see I've made another wrong turn. In front of me two guys appear and when I start to turn I see two other guys behind me. I'm trapped.

"Don't be scared," the guy from earlier says. "We won't hurt you."

The other guys snicker and shift at that comment. "Yeah honey, we'll make you feel better."

I glare at them at first and then realize there is nothing I can do. I have no one to call, no where to run and even screaming won't help me. I almost smile as I think back to my paper in English, how foolish and naive I had been to even think I would have a _happy_ life before I die. They all start to move in closer and I attempt to fight them away.

"Leave me alone!" I cry as I try to push them away. Tears stream down my face in fear.

That's when the feeling comes over me, the same feeling I had when… The feeling of welcoming death because everything would be so much better and easier if I just die. That way all the pain and heartache would go away and I could finally be reunited with my parents. We would all be together again, forever. I close my eyes and wait for it to be over but I wait first for the pain to start.

Soon a bright light appears through my closed eyes and I almost think it is actually over. I actually think I'm dead but disappointment sweeps through me as I hear the engine of a car. Someone is here. Someone is here and is going to rescue me. I should be happy, but why do I feel so disappointed instead?

**Thank you for reading, it means a lot. Please review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Here you go I hope you enjoy. I am not SM. sorry for any mistakes. **

Sitting across from Edward my hand plays with mom's necklace that has never left my neck since the day she died. Jessica and Angela are mad and upset about me being missing all night, and showing up with Edward didn't particularly help. Jessica thinks I ditched them to be with Edward, which isn't true at all. Edward told them he would take me home after we got a bite to eat since Jessica and Angela already ate. This of course made it now seem like a date to them, making them walk off to Jessica's car in giggles.

"What were you thinking?" Edward asks leaning across the table. "I saw the look on your face, it wasn't even fear."

I stare down at the boring wood table slightly ashamed of my answer. "I was thinking how easy it would be if they just killed me," I whisper not meeting his eyes.

He sighs heavily before leaning back in the booth. "Bella…"

Wanting to get off the topic I reach across the table to his hands, but he pulls away slowly. My hands freeze and I pull hands to rest on my cold coke. The waitress comes to the table and faces Edward, completely ignoring me. She flashes, what she thinks is, a flirtatious smile at him with notepad out.

"Ready to order?"

Edward doesn't remove his gaze from me as he gestures to me first. "Bella?"

"Um, ravioli please?" it comes out as a question.

The smile reappears as she turns back to Edward, "And you?"

"Nothing for me thanks."

She looks disappointed but walks away all the same. Edward leans forward again ready to speak, I assume.

"Why would you think that?"

I lean forward copying him, and this time he lets my fingers roam over his hand. To my surprise his hands are ice cold, like he has been holding on to a fist full of ice. His eyes then suddenly focus on my wrists, he sees them.

I fight back tears as I take a deep shaky breath. "Both my parents are dead, I live with my old _dying_ grandmother. I just can't handle it. It's just be easier if I died. I have nothing else to live for."

Edward shakes his head and takes my hands in his softly as if he could break me. "I'm sorry about your parents."

I nod slowly and then pull away from him. "How'd you find me?"

Edward looks worried to answer as if what he'll say will scare me or something. He runs a hand through that gorgeous bronze hair and his golden eyes gaze at me. I suddenly feel dazzled and a shiver runs down my spine.

"Are you cold? Don't you have a jacket?" he asks quietly.

"Yeah...no," I tell him realizing I left my jacket in Jessica's car. "It's in Jess's car."

He sighs as he takes off his black leather jacket handing it to me across the table. It is colder than I expect like he hasn't been wearing it long enough to warm it up. As I slip it on his scent engulfs me and again I am almost completely dazzled. I'm about to say thanks when the waitress comes with my food.

"Are you sure there isn't _anything_ I can get you?" she asks Edward in a suggestive manner.

He shifts slightly away from her. "No thanks."

He motions to my plate, so I can eat but I shake my head stubbornly. "Please? Tell me?"

"You eat, I'll talk."

**Thank you for reading, it means a lot. Please review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi guys! Sorry it has been so long! Here is the next chapter, I hope you enjoy it. There is probably only one or two chapters left and it'll be complete so keep an eye out! I'll hopefully finish this story this weekend! Sorry for all the typos I missed, my beta is driving from St. Louis to somewhere... (I can't remember where she is stopping tonight) anyway thanks you guys so much! please enjoy.**

**I don't own twilight.**

My heart is racing and my mind is spinning after our dinner, after Edward and I's interesting conversation. Silently he opens my door to the Volvo and I sit quietly playing with the cuffs of his leather jacket. As the car purrs to life, Edward adjusts all the settings in the car, the heat, the music; it all seems heavy. The given conversation of course would amount to that but all the same. As we head toward Forks my body shifts toward him.

"Just one more question?" I plead.

Edward with a quiet sigh, gives me a brief nod. "One more, and then it's my turn."

"With the whole minding reading, I mean how does it work, I mean like am I the only one you can't hear? Has this happened before? Can your family do the same?" I ask quickly, my words all blending together as my bitten tongue comes undone.

Edward chuckles lightly, but I notice his hands tighten on the wheel. "That's more than one," he comments giving me a small glance. "Yes, you're the first person I've ever come across that is immune to my… ability. The easiest way to explain it is like I have a built in radio in my head and you're on AM while I'm on FM."

I smile lightly, actually liking the analogy. "Why do you think you can read minds?"

This is when it really becomes heavy, obviously I can tell this is when he doesn't want to tell me, I know I've crossed a line. "I'm sorry," I apologize softly. "Just ignore my rude interrogation."

To my surprise Edward chuckles again, "Don't apologize for being curious, but it _is_ my turn."

I bite my lip, worried about what he's going to ask. There are so many questions I'm sure, ever since I moved to Forks there have been a lot of questions. _Why did you move here? What happened to your parents? What's up with the necklace? Why do you always wear long sleeves?" _They are almost always the same, no matter what. I guess I sort of bring them on myself but at the same time I wish people would drop it. I mean they have now that I've blended in to the background, but at first I was in the spotlight-and I hated it.

"Were you born in Phoenix?" He asks suddenly, and I'm blown away. This was not the question I was expecting. This is never a question asked, people don't normally care. They only care about your imperfections. With a small sad smile I explain that I was born in Forks, along with Renee and Charlie (my parents) but we were quick to move because mom wanted a new life some place sunny for their new baby girl. He doesn't ask about what happened to them, and I'm suddenly filled with surprise as I realize he has come to a complete stop in front of Gran's house.

"Gosh! How fast were you driving?" I exclaim, but Edward just gives me his dazzle smile and I'm mush in his hands.

"I don't think you'd like to know," he smiles again.

He watches me slip off his jacket explaining it'd be too hard to explain all of this to my grandmother. He understands and throws it in the backseat. I sit in my seat for a few more seconds before I reach for the door handle, my warm hand meet the slightly cool metal.

"Bella?" Edward says, stopping me form exiting the car. "Carlisle and Esme are my adopted parents. I know what it's like to lose your parents, and trust me you won't be sad forever. It's probably not something you want to hear right now, or want to believe but I found it comforting to know that it would make them happier to seem me happy than it would to watch me grieve."

I nod silently, flabbergasted almost by his sudden compassion and willingness to share something like that. I feel touched that he would do that, I can't help the smile that flashes across my face at his gentleness. Deep down as I open my mouth to speak I am fighting to maintain a calm composure. "Thank you Edward. For everything tonight."

When I exit it the car and walk through the front door, the composure I held while I was near him left me. I collapse against the door and cry. I cry for my parents, for me, for Edward, and I cry for what almost happened to me tonight. _You won't be sad forever_, he said. I really pray he's right because I don't know if I can handle this pain for the rest of my life. It is all getting to much handle and someday day I worry it will drive me off the edge to do something stupid.

**Thank you guys so much for reading it means a lot! Please please please review and let me know what you think! It's my birthday on Sunday so it should be like a bday present (i'm just kidding about the presents) anyway thank you for reading again sorry about the typos. **


	8. Chapter 8

**Here you guys go! I hope you enjoy it! Thanks to Rpattz for being my beta and my bestie**

**I don't own twilight**

Sitting in the shower fully clothed in my baggy black sweats and grey Forks High School T-shirt, I feel the water cascade all around me. I let the water pour down like I wish my tears would. I hold my sides, like my arms can hold me together, and rock back and forth. The pain has just become too much to bear, I'm drowning. I'm drowning in my tears and my fears, and I can't fight it any longer. I can't feel or find my reason to live. Everything would just be easier if I end this-if I just end me.

I stare out into the bathroom and look around, my eyes land on what I've been looking for. On what has become a habit of mine that Gran would never approve of. Stepping out slowly and lifelessly, I grab my metal blade and bottle of Tylenol. I need this, I can't think of any other way. I needed them and they're gone. Both of them. Dead. Staring down at my hand I swallow the six pills that lay in it and I crawl back into the shower. My fingers caress the silver blade that will help numb me from this nightmare I call life.

Laying down in the tub as the water rains down on me I drag the blade across my wrists. It cuts and digs in deep-I make sure of it. The blood begins to mix with the water and my tears from the sting of the cuts. Each wrist now beholds a sticky red five inch deep unclean slash. My body feels light, like I'm not even apart of it anymore. My little blade slips out of my hand and clatters on the bathtub as I lean back and wait.

I wait for death, I wait for the end to come. I wait for everything to end so I can't feel anything anymore. I don't want to feel anything, ever again. Soon everything starts to fade away, I can feel the darkness start to consume me-it's coming. I wait and search for the light to take me away but it's just blackness. That's all I feel and that's all I see. The darkness helps me float, it helps me float away forever.

I wake up, sitting straight up, and cry. I look down at my wrists, my fingertips moving on the raised pink scars from my stitches. How stupid was I to actually believe it would work? I bite my lip and hug my legs to my chest, trying to find comfort. I gasp for air as the tears rain down, I feel so internally conflicted at this point. There is still a part of me that wishes to end my life, while there is this tiny voice fighting to keep me safe for Gran, and for Edward. As I look over at the clock I wipe my eyes and get out of bed. Edward is taking me out today, instead of Seattle like I planned, he offered to show me more about his superhero abilities.

As I get out of bed, before heading to the the shower, I walk to the window and look out at the grey sky. It was supposed to be sunny today but I can feel the storm coming. The dark clouds were rolling in and with a sigh I retreat to the bathroom. I give Gran a shout as I shut the door-It's been a rule since...um well yeah.

I wash my hair and let the water pour down around me like rain. Thinking back to Spanish class I used to have to take I think about how smart they were. The Spanish had it right when they talked about a storm-_la tormenta._ Torment. The word stood out to me because my life was like a storm and that said storm is my torment. Some times I really do wonder why my life has been so cursed.

With my eyes closed I start to drift off into the back of my mind, where my dream begins to repeat itself. Just as I feel my fingertips run over my wrists my eyes pop open. _I can't believe this!_ I pull myself together enough to finish my shower and run out with a quick shout to Gran again. I surprise myself with the composure of my voice before going to my room. I take a few deep breaths and think of Edward. He's been so nice and helpful, but he still remains mysterious and distant at time. Ever since I told him I was going to figure him out, he has watched what he does around me. My heart races at the thought of him in general, in fear, in annoyance and in something else that I can't explain.

I finally have the strength to get dress relatively normal, maybe with a few sniffles, and soon I find myself clad in my favorite pair of blue skinny jeans and a grey shirt that reads deadmau5 in bubblegum pink block letters. I'm not usually a fan of the colour but the band is hard to resist. I grab an old faded red zip up hoodie as I descend down stairs to sit with Gran before Edward shows up. I take a deep breath as I sit across from her at the table, I haven't exactly told her Edward was taking me somewhere, and she just smiles up pleasantly from her newspaper.

"I thought you were going into the city dear?"

I bite my lip and smile the best I can. She isn't going to like this, she doesn't like me going out with people that she doesn't know. Of course she knows who the Cullens _are_ but she has never met any of them… As I am about to explain myself the doorbell rings. _Oh Lord help me._

**Thank you guys for reading! I hope you liked it, please review and let me know? thanks again. **

**Oh and if you want to check out some of my more original stuff i have some stuff on my website :) **


	9. Chapter 9

**Hi guys I'm officially home and here is the last chapter! I hope you enjoy it, thank you guys so much for sticking with me in this looooonnngggg journey. thank you to SCC for beta-ing**

We sit quietly in Edward's heavenly meadow and all I want to do is stay in this beautiful place where it goes untouched by evil. Edward runs a hand through his bronze hair before sighing. "Are you okay?" he asks.

"Of course," I murmur in reply.

"You're too calm..." he mumbles which makes me laugh quietly.

"You already told me you can read minds. I've been trying to figure you out for weeks. It just makes sense," I explain.

"You should be frightened. A normal human would be," Edward comments before he looks at me with narrow eyes. "I'm not going to hurt you Bella or _kill_ you."

I nod, "I know you won't. I can't explain why I'm so calm about it, it just seems like it's you. You're Edward the Vampire. I find it fascinating."

Again Edward sighs and he leans back against a tree. His eyes are closed and his face is emotionless but I can hear the frustration in his breathing. I sit cross legged in front of him and stare down at my wrists.

"I only tried to do it once," I whispers. I know he can hear me. "I've never really had to guts to do it again. Especially after I saw what it did to Gram. I was sick and tired of everything being the way it was, the way it still is. I had reached my lowest point… I um tried to OD on some pills and slit my wrists before getting into the shower… It was really stupid."

Raindrops fall into my lap from my eyes, the big kind that almost leave a small puddle. I sniffle and wrap my arms around my stomach. Tears are falling down my face and he moves closer to me than I ever thought possible. His pale white hand moves out slowly to touch my face. Softly, I can barely feel it, he wipes the tears from my eye and almost studies them for a second before looking back at me.

"I…" Edward begins. "My parents and I all _died_ around the same time. It was Chicago 1918 and we all contracted the Spanish Influenza. My father died the day before my mother and I. She was very sick, and Carlisle told me it was her dying wish to save me. He still swears she could tell he wasn't human or at least that he had a gift. He followed her order and turned me…. I can't relate to losing your parents suddenly but I have lived almost a century without mine."

"I'm glad you can't read my mind," I murmur as I stare into his golden eyes. "I'd probably scare you away. Or you'd have to put me in intense therapy."

Edward surprisingly chuckles. "Scare me away? Bella I'm a _killer_. You should have run away screaming by now."

"I can't explain it. When I'm with you I feel… safe and comforted," I explain. "I'm not going to let those feelings leave me because you aren't apparently human."

"I won't let anything bad happen to you Bella. I want to protect you from every thing even if sometimes that means yourself." Edward says to me as he pulls me into his cool embrace.

As we sit in this beautiful meadow I think back to that paper I wrote and my final thoughts. As romantic and sad my paper was, it held some truth in it for me. That final note or words to your loved one. Dad had done that right before he was murdered and it was something I couldn't let go of. With Edward, he died a century ago. He died with his parents but was reborn in death by Carlisle. Edward has roamed the earth and watched everyone he cared about die. He's had to leave them after a few years and never return. He has lived a life of dark but even in the midst of it he has found love and beauty in it. He still has Carlisle and his family and a save home to come to. And that is something I deeply envy him for.

"I want that," I whisper. "But all I need is you. All I need is you to be there with me, every day. You make me feel comforted and make me feel like I don't have to be alone ever again…"

"You don't ever have to feel like that again. I'm here," Edward murmurs. "I always will be."

I know we have a long, rough road ahead now but I'm glad I wrote that paper on my final thoughts because if I hadn't I never would've met Edward the way I did. You won't be sad forever, he told me. And I have a feeling he's right.

**thank you guys sooo much for reading! it means a lot, i know you guys know that by now. PLEASE REVIEW! let me know what you think. **


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